Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

#StillHurts

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Called it

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice