I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Hero horse inspires millions
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt