I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
