Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

What the hell happened here.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.