I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*