I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems