i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*