i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“The Perfect Relationship”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching