iāve had this nightmare before š±
You Might Also Like
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: ā¦
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Psychiatrist āTell me about your trust issues.ā
Me āNoā
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok letās reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
š¶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machineš¶
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
Sheās HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
Sheās CANADIANā¦& BOOBS. I hired her.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Cheer up.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, āwhat are you doing here?ā
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, Iām on it-
G: Half anteater
A: ā¦Are u drunk
G: Very
So, lemme get this straightā¦
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but canāt go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I mean yeah Iām middle class but not āstop stealing ketchup packetsā middle class
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means sheās from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Iāve watched this over 100 times and I still canāt figure out how he did this
When Iām drafting a legal document, Iāll sprinkle the word āhereinā all over that shit like itās paprika.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Our family rule is that if the kidās costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Iāve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I canāt stand cereals or baseball.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yatesā performance in front of the Senate.
Lady at the door asked if Iād found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I donāt think sheāll be back.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who canāt leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I havenāt cooked on it since 2009.