i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
welp
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My dress code is business-casualty.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better