i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb