i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Family Celebrity
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
worst…sale…ever
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.