iāve had this nightmare before š±
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
ME: sorry, Iām just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only ādisappointedā in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Finding out that my kids take the āfreezeā āunfreezeā game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long theyāll stay frozen for*
murderer: Iām going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, itās to retrieve food.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
If weād just get used to eating bugs now, then theyāll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[God creating mosquitoes]
āI wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.ā
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I dunnoā¦maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
āGive me a positive adjectiveā¦ā
āSplendid.ā
āNice. Now how about a negative adjective?ā
āSplendidnāt.ā
Iām not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, butā¦
*gestures at everything*
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose āotherā and put āyou know what you did.ā
New Yearās Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: doā¦do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) Iām not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[first date]
me: whatās ur favorite word?her: probably āethereal,ā it means-
me: mine is āshuttlecock.ā
me: hi my name is matt and iām an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know iām explaining why my carās in the lake
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If I had known ācutiesā were little oranges when my wife asked me to ābring a few home,ā I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger undeāokay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so muchā¦ weird.
Wowā¦Looks like Iāve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
Iām getting fatter.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used āweirdoā twice. But when youāre confronted with a weirdoā¦well thatās why we have the word weirdo.