Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

May never get over this

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.