Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

the simulation is moving too fast

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him