Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

I have never related to anyone more.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

bro what is going on at twitter

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

Hitlers gonna hitl

Good morning

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.