I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
how to market bottled water to dads
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.