I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source