i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I stand by it
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!