i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
The struggle is real
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.