Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

is this meant to deter me

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Thank heavens for community notes

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered