I’ve had worse
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Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
love it when they get my name right
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?