I’ve had worse
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
dutch is not a serious language
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.