Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

😭😭😭

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.