Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

good morning

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

🔥🔥

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information