I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
You Might Also Like
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
birds and squirrels envy us
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.