Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*