I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]