I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.