Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine