I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.