I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
This dude got his own movie?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.