Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.