Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

I created you as mosquito food.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

Its a hippotatomus

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.