Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

Best mom ever 😂

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

peep davidson

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.