Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no