I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on