Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”