I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”
I have 1 coffee a day.
Offices are hell.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.