I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset