I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Made something I’m not proud of
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After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock