I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
This forever.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
“FRAAANCE!”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?