I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.


Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.


They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.


*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water



*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.


If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.


F1: I’m going camping.

F2: What about the wild animals?

F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.