I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
You Might Also Like
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
just witnessed a drug deal
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.