Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’m not yelling you’re yelling, she yelled
*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
F1: I’m going camping.
F2: What about the wild animals?
F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.