I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?