I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
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Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Every haunted house movie:
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”