I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
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I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.