I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
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So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
😎 🍻
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up