@mindflakes

I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not

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@briangaar

[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much

@gregreckons

Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 or more is recommended. Also not being the slowest one of the group.

@myonlymizztake

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

@Pee_And_Giggles

My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.

@zdarsky

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

@JediGigi

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

@shahnischmani

Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don’t quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.

@eyeswidebutt

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.

@Dadpression

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off