criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not
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ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.
*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard