Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Just as the prophecy foretold

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the