Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer