I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
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It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar