I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*