Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ