I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
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wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m the neighbor
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.