I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
You Might Also Like
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
my fav colour is also hitler
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”