I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
He has no idea 🤡
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
hi why am I like this
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
