I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
