I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
You Might Also Like
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.