I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
You Might Also Like
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
that wasn’t the question
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children