I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
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peak technology
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
boys are so easy to impress
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
found this cool rock hiking today
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
