Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

I’ll be mad as hell!

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol