I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand