Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

happy friday

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

i think we should see other cousins

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me: