I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
#polloftheday
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.