I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY