I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.