I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Only you can prevent podcasts
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.