I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
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God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.