@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

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@Nyx422

This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a “special” surprise in the alley.

My gut says no……but my heart says its a puppy!

@CruisinSoozan

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

@NotOwenMeany

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.

@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

@_wangwe

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

@truegritrumble

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.