I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

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This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a “special” surprise in the alley.

My gut says no……but my heart says its a puppy!


I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.


“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.


I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.


I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.


Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.


I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.


My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.