Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
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Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Fun Things
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.