Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
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If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals