I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign