I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.