I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS