I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
🤯🤯🤯
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Skills
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.