I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
New favorite tiktok
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch