Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

How do you milk an almond?

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

why I oughta

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.