I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller